The Rules

For those of us who aren't female

A little while ago, an acclaimed writer write an utterly brilliant piece of prose, so powerful that it brought whole nations to tears.  A bit further before that, I wrote some crap about a stupid book with lots of propaganda in it.  I also said that I would provide a similar set of rules for males, so here we go:

The Rules for non-Women Folk

1. Be Honest -
   If she asks how an item of clothing looks, then she clearly isn't sure, so show your full support by laughing loudly.  When she seems proud of a new outfit, tell her exactly what you think of the style which it encompasses. Lastly, an honest opinion is needed if she ever asks if her butt looks too big.  Remember to stretch your arms out when explaining exactly how large her rear is.
2. Be Open -
   Everyone knows that women love honesty and truth in a relationship.  On your first date, announce that you intend to video tape her having sex and put it on the web.  Make her feel comfortable by burping loudly and using the same language you would in a room full of drunken guys. She will appreciate your courage in showing your true appearance, so never bother wearing deodorant or cleaning.
3. Always Arrive Late -
   Women take several months to prepare for any outing they take whatsoever, thus you should try not to bring this fact to their attention by arriving several minutes late.  If they happen to mention your generosity in a negative fashion, reply with something along the lines of: "Well, my watch says I'm early", then show her your watch which you have put back by four hours just to prove the point.
4. Relax -
   Many first dates are spoiled by being too tense about the occasion and doing something which is usually considered silly.  The solution to this eternal struggle is to find a way of relaxing.  One method is to drink a lot before the date, most people swear by this method.  Another is to take a walkman of some description along and listen to calming music throughout the evening.  If things become particularly tense, or if the female insists on talking to you, then simply turn the volume up.  This will ensure an excellent evening.  For you.

Now, go forth my minions and follow the rules for an excellent and healthy dating experience.